Previously on Awkward...
"Have we met?"
"You are cute."
I'm around to talk later after school.
I'll hit you up later, but it won't be to talk.
- Oh, hey, Jenna. - Is Matty here?
I had overslept, but I didn't remember sleeping.
I had been tossing and turning all night.
Why had Eva been at Matty's house?
Were they hooking up?
Was Matty confiding in her about his life,
and where was my stupid Palos Hills High hoodie?
I was already late to Tamara's senior hallway decorating sesh
for Spirit Week, but I was dispirited.
There was zero pep in my step.
[Cell phone rings]
Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.
I know it's not an excuse,
but Eva was at Matty's house last night.
I mean, I try to be a good friend, and then he goes out
and replaces me with the next random girl he can find.
And what's her deal anyway?
I mean, she thinks she's so cool and knows everything.
It's, like, stop trying to be friends with everyone.
And why are her legs so long?
She looks like a freaking alien.
Um, it's Eva.
Tamara's doing a million things, and she wanted to see
if you could bring her a large coffee.
Is that Jenna? And a cronut.
Sure thing.
[Keys clacking]
Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com
[Gasps] Cronut me.
Wow. Looks like Matty's new friend Eva's here.
Do I hear a bitch pitch in your voice?
She volunteered for Senior Spirit Committee.
Yeah, well, I think she also volunteered
to be his new side piece.
So? She's an eager beaver.
- Or he's eager for her... - No, don't.
Enough.
Stop moping over Matty.
The easiest way to get over getting busy with him
is to get busy doing something or someone else,
but since you could benefit from having a lock on your box,
you should concentrate on...
[Cell phone vibrates] One second.
- Did you get another phone? - No.
Well, yes, but this one's Autumn's.
- Wait. Who's Autumn? - Autumn San Diego...
the online persona I created to catfish Jake.
Okay, as your friend, it is my job to tell you
that what you're doing is weird, stalker-y, and not healthy.
End it.
Chill with the freak and critique.
Of course I'll end it, just not now.
I am too busy to break up again.
- But if you... - Hold that thought.
I have another one for you.
You should cochair Spirit Committee with me.
It's a total resume padder, and I need all hands on deck.
If the seniors don't win Spirit Week,
I'll jump overboard.
You don't need me.
I'm sure that it'll be smooth sailing
now that you're in charge.
But I really do need you to show me
where to put these, um, rave sticks.
It's a robot arm.
The theme is the future. Duh!
[Whistle blows]
- The banner is crooked! - Nice robot penises.
Can you help us, please, with this?
No. Your presidency, your problem.
- Matty, can you help? - Sure.
Oh.
[Grunts] Okay.
Got it?
Okay, catch you later, E.
Hey.
Just about last night,
nothing happened between me and Matty.
He just wanted to talk.
It's fine, we're not together.
Ugh, the Sophomore Sluts.
The Sophomore Sluts, or the SS,
are the mortal enemies of senior girls everywhere.
Somehow these girls had magically morphed
over the summer from dorky freshmen
to a hoard of cleavage-bearing, short-shorts-wearing,
giggling Kesha clones who were only too happy
to hang all over the senior guys.
What's with their hair extensions?
They don't match their whore-drobe.
Is this some kind of skanky cult thing?
Orange means they're willing to kiss,
pink... BJs,
red... they're willing to go all the way,
- and silver... - Back door?
Back door, front door, basement, and attic.
- [Gasps] Sluts. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Tamara, do not use that term.
There will be no slut-shaming at this school.
I prefer "slappers" or "slags."
It's British. Mm.
Val, your hair is very colorful.
Oh, thanks. You noticed.
It's the hot new trend. All the cool kids are doing it.
We aren't.
Your point?
Val, I'm not sure you fully understand
what those extensions really mean.
Yeah, I do.
They mean that you old ladies are behind the times.
So go back to your hard candies and your mothballs,
Dame Judi Denches, because I...
am the future.
What the hell are you doing?
That's Va-Jenna's job, not the Captain's.
I don't mind.
I like sorting the pom-poms. They're so colorful and fun.
And sometimes I like to pretend they're little fluffy dogs.
[Imitates barking]
[Laughs, imitates bark]
So I was reading the Bible last night.
[Gasps] Really?
That's so awesome.
Were you at a hotel or something?
My dad bought one when he thought
he was going to white-collar prison.
Anyway, I read that verse
about how the meek shall inherit the earth.
[Gasps] Matthew 5:5...
or Matthew high five.
Right, but now I'm not so sure
that cheering is what Jesus would do.
I mean, shouting and wearing short skirts
isn't exactly meek, is it?
Well, I never thought of it like that,
but I always thought Jesus would be a cheerleader,
and definitely Mary.
That's a really good point.
Reverse you're welcome.
Thanks.
You know, some people have been saying that the power
of the captaincy has really been going to your head,
but I don't think that's true.
- People are saying that? - Don't worry.
They said the same about me when I was captain,
though "Good Christian Girl" isn't exactly my brand.
Oh, another fun fact from the Bible.
Did you know that "Judas" and "Lissa" have
the same amount of letters?
So weird.
[Chuckles]
It's time for the first competition of Spirit Week...
Chubby Bunny.
[Applause]
- You all know the rules. - I'm afraid I don't.
Is Chubby Bunny some sort of fat rodent?
No, it's a physical challenge.
You put a marshmallow in your mouth,
and you say "Chubby Bunny."
The first person to say "Chubby Bunny" clearly
with the most mallows in their mouth wins.
- That is rude! - So piggish.
You're both rude and piggish, and it's tradition.
Now, can each class rep please come to the stage?
[All giggling]
And, of course, the senior-class rep
and three-time Chubby Bunny champ Matty McKibben,
come on up.
- [Cheers and applause] - Please!
Let me do it this year.
- I'm not allowed sugar at home. - Go for it, man.
But it's really important that we win this.
Kyle's gonna kill it. Look at that intensity.
Ugh, fine. Get up here, Kyle.
Move.
On your mark, get set, stuff!
[Clearly] Chubby Bunny.
[Mumbling] Chubby Bunny.
[Clearly] Chubby Bunny.
[Applause]
It's supposed to melt in your mouth not in your hand.
I'm a diabetic.
Ugh, freshman, is your brain even fully formed yet?
- Do you still breast-feed? - Not since I was eight.
All: Ew.
Kyle, you're not supposed to eat them.
Can't stop.
Sugar high.
So high!
The marshmallows are blazed.
[Laughs]
My turn.
[All gasp]
Mmm. [Giggles]
[Mumbling] Chubby Bunny.
Mmm.
[Mumbling] Chubby Bunny.
Sophomores win!
[Cheers and applause]
Yes! It is all about Mackenzie.
That girl is a professional.
We're talking star quality.
Matty.
Are you okay?
I'm fine. Why?
You're not upset about the end of your Chubby Bunny reign?
Yeah, yeah, I'm really broken up about it.
[Chuckles] Listen...
I know our relationship has changed, and it's cool.
I just thought that I would be the person
that you would want to talk to about stuff,
not someone you barely know.
So you want me to run people by you before I talk to them?
No, no, no, that's not what I meant.
[Giggles] Matty, did you see me win?
Yeah, yeah, congratulations.
So Matty had completely replaced me in his life.
Eva for conversation,
and Mackenzie was clearly available
for whatever else he needed.
I was rendered obsolete in less than a day.
We look like idiots.
Oh, we're supposed to be robots.
I know, but we look like hobos
who pose like statues for money.
My friend did that in Central Park,
and he's in Cirque Du Soleil now.
[Gasps] I love the circus.
Fascinating, Eva.
This looks amazing, seniors.
It's like someone from 1982's idea of the future...
very tron.
It's a compliment...
although I could do without the space dildos.
- So are we the best hallway? - Looks like it.
[Distant cheering, electronic music]
Wait. Do you hear that?
♪
Oh.
Somebody get these girls bananas fast!
These little girls lost know exactly where they're going.
Wow.
This is glorious.
Sophomores win The Hallway contest.
For the first time in recorded history,
the seniors might lose Spirit Week.
[Giggles]
Shit just got real.
The Sophomore Sluts had swept
all the Spirit Week competitions,
so the senior girls, determined to put those skanks
in their place, were all on time
for the Powder Puff practice,
except Tamara, which was so un-Tamara.
Meanwhile, Lissa was teaching the senior guys cheers,
but Matty and Jake were also no-shows.
The cheer goes like this...
Knee 'em in the groin!
Gouge 'em in the eye!
Kill 'em, kill 'em, Palos High!
Wow. I never realized how violent that cheer was.
W-W-J-C...
What Would Jesus Cheer?
Hey. Are we practicing?
Oh, my God, what happened to you? You okay?
I was up all night.
"What was your ex like?"
"Controlling"?
"You mean organized?"
[Scoffs] _
"Was she at least cute?"
"Okay"?
"Crazy"?
What do you mean "Crazy"?
Where is he?
Why isn't he answering?
Am I crazy?
No, he is.
So do you have anything planned for practice?
No, but it's okay.
I'll just stay up all night tonight and learn the plays.
I'll be fine. Fine!
- I'll coach Powder Puff. - Really?
Give me the clipboard and the whistle.
[Whistle blows]
Hey, Pounder Muffs, can we practice already?
Practice is postponed until tomorrow.
I'm taking over coaching duties, and I need time to prepare.
You can't coach.
All you know is losing! The point is to win.
I could teach you some plays if you want.
I was tutored by a Yale football player.
I don't need your help.
I'm fine. I just need to organize my playbook.
And by that, I meant learn everything there was to know
about football before tomorrow,
because if the Sophomore Sluts were making a play
for our senior boys, they were gonna be intercepted.
Mom, we need to talk about something.
This is a talk we should have had a while ago.
I agree.
It has to do with something in the garage.
Yeah.
This is hard. Where do I start?
Just be honest with me.
After the divorce, a lot of things changed,
particularly with my finances.
We have to be careful.
So you can imagine how disappointed I was
to find a dent in your car.
What?
I just can't believe you kept it from me.
Yeah, if I ever found out that you or dad
were keeping something from me, I'd be super upset.
Hey, dad.
Can you teach me some football plays?
I thought this day would never come.
So, if you call a blast, then what?
The running back takes a quick handoff from the quarterback
and hits the hole between the guard and tackle.
So proud.
You're really good at memorizing these plays.
I just really want to win this game.
And don't get me wrong.
I love your sudden interest in football,
but why do you need to win so badly?
Just senior pride.
And there are these sophomore girls
we're playing against who are so annoying!
Both: - The Sophomore Sluts? - Here we go.
How did you guys know that?
Honey, the Sophomore Sluts have been around
since the beginning of time.
Shameless, disgusting, filthy.
Ally was an original Sophomore Slut.
Little bitch, before me the tramp stamp was simply known
as a lower-back tattoo.
"OGSS"...
"Original Sophomore Sluts."
Okay, well, nowadays they wear colored hair extensions, so...
- Ugh. - Those nasty little skanks.
- No offense, Ally. - Oh.
Oh, they were like sexually aggressive zombies,
and the boys just loved it.
Because guys are assholes.
Oh, yeah, blame it on the guys.
Who else should we blame, Kevin?
Come on, senior girls were so stressful
and constantly talking about their emotions.
Sorry being pregnant brought out a lot of emotions in me.
Sweetie, I'm all for winning, but beating the Sophomore Slut...
I mean, girls...
is not gonna keep your guy friends
from hanging out with them.
They're not bad guys. They're seniors.
They just want to have a good time.
- Should we do shots? - Oh, God.
- [Both laughing] - Hey, man.
Come hang out with us when you're done with work.
Let's get fro yo.
Sure, let's go now.
I'm, uh... I'm done with this job.
I don't actually do anything, and I am constantly cold.
- Don't you want the extra cash? - No, it's not worth it, man.
I am sick of people constantly ordering me around.
- You can order me around. - Let's get out of here.
Whoa. What are you doing?
While you're on the clock, your shirt is off.
Well, I'm clocking out for good.
- I feel ridiculous. - [Giggles] Ridiculously hot.
Listen to the tiny trollop.
Oh, yeah? Later.
Let's go, Mackenzie. Let's get fro yo.
OMG, I love a badass,
especially a badass with a good ass.
[Chuckles]
You leave now, don't you dare come back.
[All laugh]
Why are you wearing a toga? It's Geek Day.
I thought it was Greek Day.
What's up?
I don't want to be cheer captain.
What? Why?
Because...
Because she's coveting the captaincy,
and a wise and powerful old man with a beard said that's a sin.
Okay, I don't care what Santa said.
I need a more concrete excuse, like an injury.
For example,
what if I were to hit you on your hand right now
with this tape dispenser?
That would take you out, huh?
Never mind! I'll be cheer captain!
And that's what I call a Val teaching moment.
I think I'll reward myself with a spicy Italian sub.
- [Cheers and applause] - It was game time.
It didn't matter if Matty and I were on the outs.
It was the principle of it.
If the Sophomore Sluts were gonna make a play
for the senior boys,
they were gonna be intercepted or tackled
or some football thing, if they ever showed up.
[All screaming]
Are we shooting a beer commercial?
We have no cheerleaders!
The other guys found out Matty and Jake weren't cheering,
so they bailed.
Sheep. But I'm here.
I'm always here for you, Jenna.
- [Grunts] - Let me talk to them.
[Cheers and applause]
Hey, no biggie, but do you think you guys could cheer for us?
Because you're dragging everyone down
into your Rebel Without A Cause hole,
and good people are collateral damage.
But I'm chill.
Really? 'Cause you've got crazy eyes.
Crazy? I will show you crazy.
Now, get off your lazy asses and cheering is the least you could do!
Actually, it's not the least we could do.
- Come on. - [Cheers and applause]
Let's cheer for the sophomores.
[Cheers and applause]
I had never wanted to win something so badly.
The SS were running
some serious interference with our lives.
They needed to get sacked.
Both: Go, seniors!
- Let's do this! Whoo! - [Mouths words] Thank you.
[Whistle blows]
[All screaming]
[Cheers and applause]
Go, seniors!
All: Ooh!
Come on. All right, let's huddle.
[Cheers and applause]
Hut, hike.
[Whistle blows, cheers and applause]
[Dance music]
[All grunting]
Boy, that's only halftime.
[Overlapping chatter]
Hey, coach.
I think you're supposed to give an inspiring speech.
I wasn't feeling inspiring.
I was feeling screwed, not in a good way.
[Whistle blows]
Okay...
so we are sucking out there, a lot.
Our own senior boys are cheering against us,
and no matter how hard we try to be the mature ones,
they don't appreciate it.
They choose bikinis over robots, simple over complicated.
And when there is a history between two people
and things get rough,
it is easiest to fall into the arms of the closest,
sluttiest option.
As long as those sluts exist, we're never gonna win.
That was literally the worst pep talk I have ever heard.
I say we go out there and kick those sluts' asses.
- Are you with me, bitches? - [All cheer]
[Whistle blows]
Looks like your guy friends came over to our side.
It must suck to be old and undesirable.
I like your hair. It almost looks real.
Thank you.
Is yours?
- Whoops. All: - Oh.
That's when my dad's words came to me
like a blitz to my brain.
Beating the Sophomore Sluts in football
wouldn't change anything.
These girls,
no matter how much I hated their bare midriffs
and hot pants weren't the problem.
The problem was Matty.
If you don't do it, I will.
[Rock music]
[Screams]
[All screaming]
Sadie, save yourself!
[Whistle blows]
My first fight, and I didn't feel like a badass.
I just had a bad taste in my mouth.
Seniors had lost Spirit Week to the sophomores
for the first time in, well, ever.
Then again, maybe the bad taste was from all the dirt I ate
when Jackie smooshed my face into the ground.
Hey, thank you for having my back earlier.
No worries, and I didn't know you and Matty had dated.
If I had known that, I would have invited you inside the other day.
It's okay. I'm sorry for being a jerk to you
just because Matty's being a jerk to me.
Well, I just hope we can be friends.
Chicks before dicks... always.
Whoo!
- Hey, hey, hey! - [Laughs]
It's time to ghost ride the whip!
Yes, hotness!
Oh, if anything happens to your car,
your parents are gonna kill you.
Oh, lighten up, Rosati.
All right, well, I'm gonna film it.
[All cheering]
Okay, okay, go.
Whoo!
[Dance music]
♪
Holy shit.
[Crashes]
- Holy fucking shit! - Holy fucking shit!
Next on Awkward...
Hey, you should stop by this fund-raiser tonight.
- I'll try to make it. - Do that.
Your sorority is amaze-tits.
Vodka plus girl talk plus communal closet equals happy Tamara.
Yes, hot tub.